My Ex is Dating Someone New

Imagine life is a video game called Emotional Development.  Sure, the title ain’t snappy, but the graphics are great. In this game, you play out romantic entanglements. You can only ‘level up’ when you’ve grown positively from your experiences. Think of G4RL as the online instruction manual. People refuse to read it and wonder why they’ve been left on read by Brad at Level Two.

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My Boyfriend Lives Somewhere Else

The world is shrinking. I’m just a simpleton without an astrophysics degree, so maybe it’s also expanding. Let’s all agree on this instead: we live inside the internet-machine now. The internet-machine laughs in the face of city walls. We co-exist with an online and offline life. Offline, moving around is easier than ever before. You can fly from New York to London in six hours. The barriers which traditionally separated communities are being eroded. “Cool, I didn’t realise I’d clicked on an A-Level Sociology essay, isn’t this meant to be about sex, mate?”

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I’m Not Having Good Sex

I didn’t start having good sex until my early twenties. I lost my virginity at sixteen, complying with government legislation on the matter. I’d wrongly been led to believe that if I consensually did the sex before my sweet sixteenth, a police squad accompanied by a Channel 4 film crew would burst through my door. I’d be behind bars, watching myself star in the fictional documentary “Britain’s Teens: Young, Dumb and Full of Cum”, probably narrated by Dr Christian Jessen.

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