Owing to a series of unfortunate events, I’ve missed three booked holidays in two years. What a decadent mistake! What a costly error! What an expensive fuck-up!
Accompanying the financial loss, grief and shame was FOMO: Fear of Missing Out. FOMO, like respecting diversity, or not hacking dead children’s phones, is something Piers Morgan would balk at: “These millennials with their pervasive apprehension that others might be having rewarding experiences without them. Back in my day, we’d quietly enjoy our trench foot at home.”
Continue reading “I Have FOMO”
A tale as old as time and as true as it can be. Barely even friends, then somebody sends an Outlook calendar invitation to lunch at Pret A Manger.
We love workplace romances. They give us countless sit-com storylines. There you are, flirting by the water cooler and sharing Cats That Look Like Hitler.
Continue reading “I Fancy My Co-Worker”
Imagine life is a video game called Emotional Development. Sure, the title ain’t snappy, but the graphics are great. In this game, you play out romantic entanglements. You can only ‘level up’ when you’ve grown positively from your experiences. Think of G4RL as the online instruction manual. People refuse to read it and wonder why they’ve been left on read by Brad at Level Two.
Continue reading “My Ex is Dating Someone New”
Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s move in together to secure greater financial freedom in a housing market crisis. Moving in with your partner can be a joyous step in an intimate relationship. It can also be a terrible mistake. So how do you know which way the rental cookie will crumble? Lucky I’m here, eh?
Continue reading “My Boyfriend Wants Us To Live Together”
The world is shrinking. I’m just a simpleton without an astrophysics degree, so maybe it’s also expanding. Let’s all agree on this instead: we live inside the internet-machine now. The internet-machine laughs in the face of city walls. We co-exist with an online and offline life. Offline, moving around is easier than ever before. You can fly from New York to London in six hours. The barriers which traditionally separated communities are being eroded. “Cool, I didn’t realise I’d clicked on an A-Level Sociology essay, isn’t this meant to be about sex, mate?”
Continue reading “My Boyfriend Lives Somewhere Else”
I didn’t start having good sex until my early twenties. I lost my virginity at sixteen, complying with government legislation on the matter. I’d wrongly been led to believe that if I consensually did the sex before my sweet sixteenth, a police squad accompanied by a Channel 4 film crew would burst through my door. I’d be behind bars, watching myself star in the fictional documentary “Britain’s Teens: Young, Dumb and Full of Cum”, probably narrated by Dr Christian Jessen.
Continue reading “I’m Not Having Good Sex”