I didn’t start having good sex until my early twenties. I lost my virginity at sixteen, complying with government legislation on the matter. I’d wrongly been led to believe that if I consensually did the sex before my sweet sixteenth, a police squad accompanied by a Channel 4 film crew would burst through my door. I’d be behind bars, watching myself star in the fictional documentary “Britain’s Teens: Young, Dumb and Full of Cum”, probably narrated by Dr Christian Jessen.
Those early sexual encounters were fraught with insecurity, dissatisfaction and distress. From my extensive research, this is true for too many of us. The first years of sexual discovery are accompanied by the horrors of puberty, or an abject lack of sexual confidence. The latter can linger well into adulthood. Why can sex feel like you’re just going through the motions? How do you gain sexual confidence? What’s the secret to having good sex?
Let me define “good” sex for you, my son. Good sex is necessarily consensual. Nobody has been forced or coerced into it. More than that, both parties are gagging for it. Nobody is shagging to get it over with, or boning just because it’s a Wednesday. Good sex means connecting mentally, as well as physically. If there isn’t a mental spark, sex can only reach the dizzy heights of being absolutely bang average. Good sex isn’t about who achieves orgasm. Good sex isn’t a destination. Good sex is an all-consuming experience. If you’re truly having good sex, you won’t be able to think: “Man, this sure is some nice sex” for more than a split-second. You’ll be entirely present in the moment, fully absorbed in pleasure and intimacy. The specifics of what good sex looks like are entirely individual. It doesn’t matter which positions you do it in, how long it lasts or whether it’s kinky or not.
Let me define “sexual confidence” for you, my precious child. Too many people conflate arrogance and sexual confidence. See: The Guardian’s infamous “man who always gives an orgasm”. It might be hard for you to hear his egotism over the sound of me laughing myself silly in the back. Sexual confidence requires adaptability, empathy and enthusiasm. There is no “one size fits all” approach, whatever your gender or sexuality. You cannot give the same, rehearsed style of oral sex and expect it to please every sexual partner. Nor will it please your regular partner every single time, without fail. You need to be in dialogue with your partner to reach mutual satisfaction. That means reading physical cues and practising empathy by understanding their mood, their experiences and their personality. Sexual confidence is about warmth, generosity and openness. It’s being totally comfortable in your body, having a strong sense of self-worth and feeling excited about the person in your bed
There are three barriers to sexual confidence: your words; your body and your mind. “Oh, so only flippin’ everything then? Jeez, thanks for the helpful advice”. Hey Susan, have one of those famous Chill Pills and let me break it down for you.
How to become a diamond in the sack like yours truly:
- Want to keep having bang average sex? Don’t open your mouth.
That’s probably the best hook I’ve ever written and I’ll be swiftly retiring now. Bang average sex is not what me, your grandmother or Theresa May want for you. Once you’re getting frisky with someone, it’s easy to silently go with the flow, or just work through the motions of a routine with them. That’s what Chilled Out Entertainers do, right? Incorrect.
You are selling yourself and good sex short by not opening your mouth to engage in a dialogue. In my humble experience, sex improved when I started saying to my partner: “I really like having my [CENSORED] sucked” or “I’d like to do [CENSORED] with you”. Expressing your genuine desires builds intimacy. Similarly, I almost always ask my partner “What do you want to do together?”, rather than trying to assume their answer. Words remove ambiguity. You’ll feel coy the first time you speak up. If you keep talking, it will build your sexual confidence and lead to the good sex, trust me.
- Your body is perfect.
You didn’t battle through the hardships of life to waste your time hating your physical form. I want you to go beyond just being comfortable with your “imperfections”. I want you to actually find your own body sexy. Especially the parts which don’t meet a prescribed standard of beauty. That’s how I unlocked the door to my genuine sexual confidence. It led me to truly delight in others’ bodies too. I really like your stretch marks. I really like your chest hair. I really like your armpit hair. I really like the little paunch of your belly. I really like your big eyes. I really like your crooked smile. To me, these are the arousing parts. The goddamn humanness of humans.
If you listed the qualities you find attractive in your partner, I doubt “their perfect air-brushed abs” would feature. I once had sex with someone notably conventionally attractive. I wanted to find something unique to hold my attention, but the kid looked like he’d been carved in marble from a blueprint. Beauty is utterly subjective and his beauty would tick every single one of someone’s boxes. But for me, the beauty is in the unique intrigue of someone’s face and body. I’m not the only one. So don’t suck your tummy in, turn the lights off or worry about how your hair looks. Sex is joyous and your perfect body is the vehicle to pleasure, in all its imperfection.
- Stop thinking.
This is the Big One. To truly enjoy sex, you need to switch off the more advanced parts of your brain. Please don’t go full feral; you still need to be aware of your comfort, your partner’s comfort and ensure their continued consent and enjoyment. But also try to engage in sexual mindfulness. This means entirely focusing on the physical and mental sensations of pleasure you are giving and receiving. Stop second-guessing if you’re having a good time. Truly focus on being present in the here and now.
You need to feel at ease with experiencing uninterrupted pleasure. This is especially true for my gals, who have been conditioned to feel guilty about enjoying sex. You’re not selfish for wanting to achieve orgasm. You need to devote your mental attention to the specific physical sensations which will hopefully bring you to that place. Try isolating your mind’s attention to the specific area of your body which is experiencing a physical sensation. Focus entirely on that place alone and you will find yourself moving towards climax more easily. Once you can also mindfully delight in the act of giving someone else pleasure, you’ll have found true sexual confidence.
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Thank you to the gals who messaged me on International Women’s Day saying my words have helped them feel stronger and more confident. It made my heart grow bigger than a giant whale. See y’all next Monday!
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